


Mutual

by supernatural9917



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Castiel/Dean Winchester in the Bunker, Dean in Denial, Light Angst, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, Sam Needs Brain Bleach, Smut, Wall Sex, casturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 17:40:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12846204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernatural9917/pseuds/supernatural9917
Summary: Cas has been cured of Rowena's attack dog spell and is back with the Winchesters. Coping with his unrequited feelings for Dean has never been easy, but he finds that it can be so much worse when the feelings are mutual.





	Mutual

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to athaclena for her excellent beta services!

‘Dean, I... There aren't words.’

‘You're right. There aren't words, Cas, 'cause there's no need. You were under a spell. It's fine.’

‘Yeah, but you had Rowena. Because of me, you...’

Sam chimed in. ‘You know, Cas, we've got the codex. That's a start. You know, it'll slow Rowena down some. If we'd killed her, the Book of the Damned would've been lost.’

‘Besides, we got bigger fish to fry,’ Dean added. Cas nodded.

‘The Darkness. What does she want?’

‘Well, the big question is, where the hell is she?’ Dean asked, wincing with pain at his split lip. Cas stood up and reached out.

‘Dean, I can fix that.’

‘No, no, no. No, no. It's fine, Cas. Besides, I had it comin'.’ Cas sighed, looking at Dean sadly, but sat back down.

Between them they demolished the better part of three six-packs, Dean taking the lion’s share. Eventually Sam went to bed, and Dean promised to do so as soon as he’d finished his last beer. He and Cas sat in companionable silence for a while, Dean drinking and Cas smiling with the happiness of being home. When Dean finished the bottle, he stood up and smiled at Cas. ‘Come here, you.’

Dean wrapped him in a tight hug. Cas expected the usual manly pounding of fists on his back to signal the end of the embrace, but it didn’t come, and so he just held on. Dean’s head was slightly tilted towards his neck, so Cas allowed his own face to incline towards the skin of Dean’s neck, breathing in his scent as surreptitiously as he could. Opportunities to touch Dean were few and far between; he had to take full advantage of each one.

‘Cas,’ Dean whispered in a rough voice.

‘Yes Dean.’

‘I… I’m straight.’

‘I know.’

‘Then why am I… why do I feel…’ he didn’t complete the sentence. He didn’t need to.

‘Yes, me too.’ Cas replied. Dean squeezed tighter.

‘I can’t. You know I can’t. You… you understand, right?’

‘Yes, I understand.’ Now came the back thumping, and Dean took a step back, rubbing his face roughly with both hands. His eyes were red-rimmed and damp.

‘If, uh… if this makes you want to leave…’ Cas’s expression crumbled, looking like a puppy that had been slapped.

‘You want me to leave again?’

‘No! No, god no. Fuck. No Cas, never.’ Cas’s shoulders slumped in relief. ‘I just meant if _you_ wanted to. If you didn’t want to be around because.’ He vaguely waved his hands to indicate the stuff hanging in the air between them.

‘I don’t want to leave, Dean.’ Dean gave him a little lopsided smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

‘Good. That’s good. OK, good talk.’ Dean patted his shoulder and walked out of the room.

Cas wasn’t sure what he felt. Relief that Dean didn’t want him to leave. Elation the he felt the same way. Crushing heartbreak that he would never act on those feelings. A sense of yearning and loss- he had never expected to have his desires fulfilled, but that was because he had never expected Dean to share them. It had been like wishing for a unicorn; you knew they didn’t exist, so it hurt less not to get one. This was like wishing for something that was only just out of reach- you could see it, smell it, but you could never touch, never taste. Still, it was better to stay here like this than to be exiled from Dean again; that would be the worst fate of all, and Cas knew he must carry on as normal to avoid that.

Days turned into weeks as they tried to find the Darkness and picked up cases. Dean didn’t actively seek Cas out, but neither did he specifically avoid him.  There was a difference, of course; Dean’s soul was a bit dimmer, he was less effervescent than before. When they went hunting he didn’t go to bars, preferring to drink a few beers in the room with Sam and Cas; when they were home he would stay in to hang out, watch TV, or just hole up in his room with what Cas assumed was very straight porn. At least Cas hadn’t had to suffer the pain of seeing Dean with random conquests; staying home meant no hook-ups, and it gave Cas some small comfort to think that no one else was getting Dean either. Unfortunately, Sam had also noticed Dean’s odd behaviour, and one night he suggested they all go out to a local bar to let off some steam. Cas didn’t bother to give an opinion, but Dean agreed, so they went.

It wasn’t a big town, and it wasn’t a big bar, but it was relatively busy and lively since it was a Friday night. Dean started right in with bourbon, and was three down before Sam had gotten halfway through his beer. As the place got busier, the waitresses tended to stay behind the bar, so after shot number four was down the hatch, Dean decided to go to them for the next round. Cas tried to focus on his whisky, but his eyes kept flitting up to Dean as he sauntered to the bar; he noticed several women eyeing up Dean’s handsome face, broad shoulders, and firm ass. Almost as soon as he got to the bar, an attractive brunette appeared at his side, and he gave her the biggest smile Cas had seen on him in weeks. They appeared to chat and flirt over their drinks, which Dean seemed to have paid for; Cas just stared openly now, almost forgetting Sam was there until he turned around to see what Cas was looking it.

‘Oh. Well, maybe she’ll cheer him up. God knows he’s been a grumpy bastard lately.’ Cas just nodded and tried to focus on his drink, but his eyes just wouldn’t cooperate. The next time he looked up, Dean had his arm around the woman’s waist, and she was whispering something that made him smirk. He replied with his lips just as close to her ear, and then they were hastily finishing their drinks. Cas’s eyes quickly went back to his whisky, and it was only out of the corner of his eye that he saw Dean and the woman walk past without so much as a glance at their table.

Sam managed to catch the eye of a waitress and got them another round, but neither of them were expecting Dean to come home with them. It was therefore a surprise to both when Dean slid back into the booth no more than ten minutes later.

‘That was quick,’ Sam said with a frown.

‘That’s why it’s called a quickie, Sam.’

‘That’s tacky, Dean. Did you even get her name?’ Dean rolled his eyes.

‘Yes, I got her name, Sam.’

‘So?’ Dean cleared his throat and fidgeted, stealing Sam’s beer and taking a large glug.

‘It was Cassie,’ he mumbled.

‘Ha, like your ex-girlfriend?’ Dean’s eyes flicked up to meet Cas’s for a fraction of a second.

‘Yeah.’ He finished Sam’s beer and completely ignored the bitchface it earned him. Cas gulped down his whisky and slammed the empty glass on the table.

‘Well, since we’ve finished our drinks,’ Sam said sarcastically. ‘I’m just going to hit the head, and then we can go.’ Dean and Cas sat in silence, staring at their empty glasses until Cas spoke.

‘I hope you enjoyed your random sexual encounter, Dean.’ Dean’s head shot up.

‘Uh, nothing really happened. We kissed a bit and stuff, but that was it. It didn’t… go anywhere, and I put her in a taxi.’

‘I thought…’

‘Nah. It uh, well, I guess it’s been a while and… I don’t know, performance anxiety or something. Nothing happened,’ he repeated earnestly. Cas looked at his empty glass again but didn’t reply. ‘Listen, Cas,’ Dean began, but then Sam was back.

‘Am I interrupting something?’ Dean jumped up.

‘Nope, let’s go.’ Sam drove them back home, and the brothers turned in as soon as they were in the door.

Cas didn’t need sleep, and he didn’t feel like sitting in his room, so he went to sit in the kitchen with a beer for company and tried to make sense of his latest interaction with Dean. He had told Cas that nothing had happened with the girl, but he’d implied to Sam that a complete, albeit brief, sexual encounter had been achieved. Either he was lying to Cas in order to spare his feelings, or lying to Sam to save face in the event of an unsuccessful attempt at intercourse. He knew which version he preferred. The beer was long gone, and he’d been absentmindedly picking at the label on the bottle when the light flicked on and Dean nearly jumped out of his skin at the unexpected sight of Cas sitting at the table.

‘Jesus Cas, why were you sitting in the dark?’

‘I don’t require artificial light to see.’

‘Right. Uh, I’m just getting a midnight snack,’ Dean explained, pointing at the fridge.

‘OK.’ Dean nodded and began pulling out the ingredients for a sandwich.

‘You want anything?’ he asked.

 _There’s so much that I want_ , he thought, but he only said, ‘No thank you.’ Dean completed his snack, poured himself a glass of milk, and sat down at the table. Cas watched him eat, but he never looked up from his plate. ‘Why did you lie to me?’ Dean met Cas’s eyes.

‘What?’

‘Why did you lie? About the girl?’

‘I didn’t lie.’

‘You told me nothing happened, but you told Sam…’

‘I didn’t want to talk to Sam about my little problem, Cas. I just… let him assume. I didn’t lie to you.’

‘Oh.’ More silence. ‘Was she not pleasing to you?’

‘Nothin’ wrong with her. I just wasn’t in the mood I guess.’

‘I see.’

‘Do you?’ Dean asked harshly. Cas tilted his head and frowned, but Dean didn’t give him time to say anything. ‘Never mind. Night, Cas.’ He took his plate to the sink and rushed out of the kitchen. Cas watched him go, his confusion even greater than before. He washed the dishes Dean had left in an attempt to clear his mind, but the effort was fruitless. Dean remained as great an enigma as ever. Switching off the lights, Cas made his way to his bedroom; he didn’t need sleep, but lying down was comforting.

He stopped in front of Dean’s room, almost raised his hand to knock, but thought better of it. Dean had made it clear that he did not want his company tonight. His hand dropped listlessly to his side as he turned away.

‘Oh fuck, Cas!’ he heard from inside Dean’s room. How had Dean known he was there? He sounded distressed- perhaps he had injured himself somehow and was calling for help. Cas opened the door, his planned shout of Dean’s name dying on his lips as he took in the scene.

Dean, naked on his bed, cock in hand, arm moving frantically as he came in thick white stripes over his stomach and chest. He had not been calling out for Cas- he had been crying out his name in his moment of ecstasy. Cas hadn’t thought his heart could break into even smaller pieces, but he had been wrong. He thought Dean had probably not noticed him yet, with his eyes screwed shut and his moans drowning out any soft sounds. Cas quietly stepped back into the hallway and shut the door behind, hurrying into his room in case Dean had heard the click of latch.

When he had been human, sexual urges had occasionally been overwhelming, and he had learned self-gratification out of necessity. The need he felt for it and the satisfaction it provided had both decreased with the return of his grace; it was more that the physical release was less necessary with the greater control he had over his vessel, rather than that he didn’t feel the same desires. Those he definitely felt, and he decided that this time he would deal with it ‘the old-fashioned way’ as Dean might say. He stripped off and laid down on the bed, his cock already erect from having seen the real version of a scene he had fantasised about dozens of times. The look on Dean’s face… Cas gripped the shaft firmly and stroked quickly, not feeling any need to draw this out. He mumbled Dean’s name, pretended it was his hand on him now. Strong, thick, calloused fingers, so unlike his own soft hand, rough on the smooth skin, driving him to distraction. Cas didn’t need to breathe, but the vessel was taking over now- racing heart, rapid breaths, and then he was coming, just as Dean had done, and he imagined that they had been doing it together as he caressed out the last aftershocks of his orgasm.

The warmth of exertion was soon replaced by the coldness of despair. This was likely the closest he would ever come to being intimate with Dean- a few seconds of accidental voyeurism and furtive masturbation. He cleaned himself with a wave of his hand, but he still felt dirty inside. Perhaps a hot shower would help; he wrapped his towel around his waist and padded his way to the bathroom on bare feet. He didn’t bother to lock the door or pull the shower curtain. Sam had been asleep for hours and Dean would have dozed off after his exertions; Cas knew that human males often fell asleep shortly after orgasm as part of the physiological response. He hung up the towel on the nearest hook and switched on the shower to the hottest setting. The water pressure and heat felt intense, blasting away at his shame and sadness. The bathroom soon filled with steam, and he closed his eyes and let his mind drift as he scrubbed himself. He would happily have stayed there for hours, but the water eventually began to cool, and he didn’t want to lose the comforting feeling of heat that had built up on his now-pink skin.

He was rubbing his face with the towel when he felt a draft, but didn’t think much of it until he heard a growled, ‘Fuck,’ and the door slammed shut again. So Dean had not in fact fallen asleep, and it had now been his turn to play accidental voyeur. Cas sighed and continued to towel himself dry. Dean would just have to wait his turn. ‘I hope you didn’t use up all the hot water.’ Cas whirled around to see Dean leaning against the bathroom door in his robe with a towel draped over his arm. It had not occurred to Cas for a moment that Dean would have stayed on this side of the door when he’d shut it. Cas quickly wrapped the towel around himself, and felt thankful that he was already red all over so Dean couldn’t tell that he was blushing.

‘I didn’t expect anyone to take one right after me.’ Dean shrugged.

‘Couldn’t sleep, thought a hot shower might help.’ Cas walked to the door, but Dean didn’t move.

‘I’m afraid you’ll have to wait, the water was starting to get cold when I finished.’ Dean’s eyes darkened and he swept them over Cas from head to toe.

‘Guess I’ll have to find something else to pass the time.’

Dean had spent years reminding Cas about the importance of personal space. It was not appropriate to stand nose to nose with someone you were not going either to fight or to kiss. Cas remembered this nowadays, but Dean seemed to have forgotten and was uncomfortably far into Cas’s personal space. Cas’s heart plummeted to his stomach; Dean must have seen him when he burst in on Dean’s private moment, and now he was going to punch him. Cas didn’t mind- he deserved it, for that and for what he did after. He steeled himself for the blow and looked Dean right in the eye to show that he was ready. Dean advanced and-

Crushed his lips against Cas’s as if his life depended on it. Cas found himself pressed back against the bathroom door with the full weight of Dean pressing against him as Dean’s wandering hands ran roughly over the bare skin of Cas’s torso. After a few seconds of shock, Cas allowed himself to kiss back, his body responding with a will of its own to Dean’s forceful treatment.

‘Fuck fuck fuck,’ Dean mumbled against Cas’s lips. ‘So good. Fuck.’ Cas expected it all to stop at any moment, for Dean to shove him away and run off, but it just seemed to be getting more intense as Dean lost control of his lust. ‘You heard me,’ he said as he moved his attentions to Cas’s neck. It was a statement, not a question.

‘Yes.’

‘And you saw me.’

‘Yes.’

‘You liked it.’

‘Yes.’ Dean’s right hand slipped down Cas’s body and the fingertips only just brushed over the front of the towel.

‘Did you…’

‘Yes,’ Cas whispered, and Dean moaned, running his hand back up Cas’s chest and cupping his jaw to kiss him again.

Tomorrow Dean would regret this. Cas was as certain of that as he was that the sun would rise. He would regret it, he would be embarrassed and ashamed and angry, and he would make Cas leave again. That would be true whether they stopped now or not. If exile was inevitable, Cas sure as hell was going to take what he could get now. He slipped his hands inside Dean’s robe and found only bare skin. Goosebumps came up everywhere his fingers touched, and Dean sighed at the sensation.

‘Jesus, Cas, you make me crazy sometimes. All the time.’ Dean reached down to the towel and yanked it off, grinning at Cas’s gasp of surprise. With a firm hand, he grasped the back of Cas’s thigh and lifted it to wrap around his waist. ‘I want to… Can I…’

‘Yes.’

‘You don’t know what I’m going to ask.’

‘I want everything.’ Dean practically growled, and Cas trembled with anticipation. He helped Dean push off the robe, and now they were both naked, pressed skin to skin, Dean rutting almost mindlessly against Cas.

‘I want to be inside you,’ Dean snarled, letting Cas’s leg drop so he could get his hand between Cas’s thighs. He stroked a fingertip over the puckered entrance, and to his surprise, it began to relax under his touch as if he’d already starting opening Cas up.

‘I can control my vessel,’ Cas explained with panting breaths as Dean took advantage of this to put in an exploratory index finger. It was even lubricated somehow, and Dean had never been so thankful for angel mojo. ‘Please,’ came Cas’s whispered plea, and Dean obliged him, hitching up both of Cas’s legs this time, pinning him more firmly against the door and sliding him down Dean’s erection as slowly as he could manage. Cas apparently felt no need to linger over this step, and forced himself down until Dean was completely ensheathed within him. They both cried out at the feeling, and Dean had to employ every trick he knew to prevent it from ending too soon. ‘You can’t hurt me,’ Cas said, misinterpreting Dean’s hesitation.

‘Just need a second,’ Dean replied through gritted teeth, ‘or this is gonna be done quicker than an abstinence pledger’s wedding night.’ Cas tried to pass the time by nuzzling Dean’s neck, licking at the tender skin and nibbling gently on his earlobe. ‘Not helping, Cas,’ he whimpered.

‘Just take me, Dean,’ Cas demanded, and there was a hint of the voice he used when telling Dean that he was the one who’d pulled him out of hell, and he could throw him back there too.

‘Ah, fuck it,’ Dean agreed, and so he did. He plunged into Cas wildly, letting the lust completely overtake him. Cas cried out- loudly- with each thrust, and Dean’s moans were hardly much softer. The door was thumping steadily, and Dean vaguely registered that it was probably enough noise to wake Sam up from any room in the bunker, never mind from just down the hall; but all of his fucks were currently otherwise engaged, and he had none to spare for caring about discretion just now.

‘Dean, Dean, oh yes!’ Cas was shouting, and Dean noticed how hard and hot Cas’s cock was between them. Trusting Cas to be able to hold himself up, he took his right hand and wrapped it around the shaft, eliciting a shudder from its owner. He barely had to begin stroking it before his fingers and their stomachs were coated in come, and Cas was now screaming in Enochian as he threw his head back in rapture. That was enough to send Dean toppling over the edge.

His wobbly legs threatened to bring them both tumbling to the floor, so he gently pulled out and released Cas, but didn’t step back. He brought his arms up against the door on either side of Cas’s head to support himself, keeping the angel pinned and claiming his mouth with more hungry kisses. It was the cooling stickiness of the come on their stomachs that brought him back to reality, and he pulled away reluctantly.

‘Hope there’s enough hot water now to clean this up,’ he said with a chuckle. ‘I’m not getting this mess on my memory foam.’ With a hand at the small of Cas’s back, he led him back to the showers, where they soaped up and rinsed off as quickly as they could manage. Dean used his towel to dry both of them off; Cas had been silent since his bilingual orgasmic cries, and now seemed half frozen in place. ‘You gonna say anything, Cas?’ Dean asked, wrapping the towel around Cas’s waist and reclaiming his robe from the floor.

‘I am undone,’ Cas whispered, and Dean smirked with the smug satisfaction of being the undoer. Without replying, he took Cas’s hand and led him back out into the hall. They did not stop at Cas’s door, but instead went straight to Dean’s room. Dean took off the robe and hung it calmly on the hook, and did the same for Cas’s towel. He pulled the angel to him, walking them backwards to the bed, ending with Cas as the little spoon and Dean sighing into the back of his neck. Cas allowed himself to enjoy this; in the morning Dean would wake up, recoil in shame and disgust, and kick him out for good. He needed to draw every second of pleasure from this while it was allowed.

‘Cas,’ Dean whispered. Oh no- it was going to happen now, he was going to be torn away now. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to keep his voice from shaking.

‘Yes, Dean?’

‘Don’t go anywhere, ok?’

‘What?’ That had not been what he was expecting.

‘Just… you tend to disappear at the worst possible times. I’m asking you not to. I’m asking you to stay. Be here in the morning.’ He planted a soft kiss on the nape of Cas’s neck. ‘Be here every morning.’

‘But you said…’

‘Yeah, fuck that. I’m an asshole. Anyway, angels don’t have genders right? So it’s only kinda gay.’

‘Yes,’ Cas agreed, too dazed to enter into detailed discussions of angel sexual biology. Dean asked him to stay; how was that possible? ‘Dean,’ he began.

‘Yeah?’ Dean asked, eagerly awaiting his reply.

‘I would like to stay.’

***********************

Morning presumably dawned, not that they could tell in the windowless underground room, but Dean’s stomach growls were as effective as any alarm clock. Cas hadn’t slept, of course, but he had allowed himself to enter a meditative state that gave him a feeling of being well-rested. Dean yawned behind him and absentmindedly ran his hand down Cas’s chest, his stomach, down to his hips…

‘And good morning to you too,’ Dean said in a sleepy but jolly voice as he stroked Cas’s erection and pressed his own against Cas’s back.

‘Good morning Dean,’ Cas replied breathlessly. Before he knew what was happening, he found himself on his back with Dean above him, being showered with kisses, and then Dean was moving down his body, kissing, licking… Cas arched his back as Dean’s mouth enveloped him, sucking sloppily but enthusiastically.

‘Sorry,’ Dean spoke between licks, ‘never done this bit, probably suck at it. Heh.’ Cas grinned at the double-entendre.

‘It feels… ah! Dean! So good!’ Dean took the head into his mouth again and sucked, bobbing his head up and down. Cas’s whimpers grew more frenzied, indicating that he was close. Dean popped his mouth off and climbed his way back up Cas’s body, reaching over to his nightstand on the way for lube. He warmed a palmful in his hand and slicked them both up; they rutted against each other frantically, desperate for release now. Cas came first, and Dean took himself in hand to finish off onto Cas’s stomach.

‘Jesus,’ he huffed. ‘That was…’

‘Hot,’ Cas finished.

‘Yeah,’ Dean laughed. ‘Really hot. And now I need another shower.’ Cas waved a hand and they were mojoed clean. ‘Awesome! Why didn’t you do that last night?’

‘I was not exactly in a logical frame of mind last night, Dean.’

‘Damn right,’ Dean leered. His stomach growled again, so he stood and pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of boxers, wrapping his robe over top. ‘I’m gonna go eat something before my stomach caves in. You coming?’

‘I’ll go get dressed and join you shortly.’ Dean pulled Cas to his feet and kissed him soundly.

‘Good. Need to keep our strength up.’

Sam was already in the kitchen when Dean walked in, cooking something at the stove with his back to the door. ‘Mornin’ Sammy!’ Dean said cheerfully, and was treated to a most exquisite example of I-can’t-believe-you-Dean bitchface when Sam turned around.

‘I can’t believe you, Dean,’ he grumbled, but his brother just grinned as he poured himself a cup of coffee. ‘One wasn’t enough? You had to go back out and then bring her _here_?’

‘Huh?’ Sam rolled his eyes.

‘Dean, I _heard_ you.’

‘I didn’t go back out, Sam.’

‘So, what, you were fucking Cas?’ he asked sarcastically. Dean just raised an eyebrow and drank his coffee. Sam’s face went through a number of contortions as the penny dropped. ‘Holy shit. You _were_ fucking Cas. You were fucking _Cas_.’

‘Loudly,’ came the smug reply.

‘Apologies for my part of the volume,’ Cas said as he walked into the kitchen. Sam’s face went purple with embarrassment.

‘Oh, uh, mornin’ Cas.’

‘Good morning, Sam,’ he replied calmly. ‘Is there coffee?’ He tried to walk past Dean to get to the coffeemaker, but was caught around the waist before he could get past.

‘There’s a charge for coffee,’ Dean said rakishly.

‘I wasn’t aware of that. How much is it?’ Dean just smiled and kissed him before letting him pass. ‘Oh,’ Cas said with a shy smile. ‘That’s a fair price.’

‘Actually, I overcharged you, let me give you your change.’ Cas received another kiss, and Sam groaned.

‘Dammit guys, some of us are trying to eat here.’

‘You got a problem with this, Sam?’

‘No, of course not. I want you to be happy.’ He cleared his throat and blushed, not meeting Dean’s eyes.

‘Just… maybe a bit more quietly.’

 


End file.
